a myriad of thoughts

murmurs of the heart
Yesterday marks the 1st month death anniversary of my sister...I couldn't believe how time flies so fast. We went to the cemetery in the afternoon to offer prayers and flowers, the flowers that I had promised her. No more tears this time unlike the previous visit. I'm just happy to be there for I know she is just beside me all the time.

A letter for my dearest sister:

Dear Bukie,

I never expected that we would part that way... so abrupt and very much unexpected, no goodbyes and everything..That fateful day will be forever etched in my memory . I know that you did not expect that to happen also and that you were fighting all the way for us. That sunday afternoon when you suffered a series of cardiac arrest and all the doctors were around you trying to revive while we are just at the window of your icu room peering, crying and helpless...I thought you were going to give up but you still fought. I'll never forget our conversations inside your room coz everytime i go there i still have to muster some courage so that i will not cry when i talk to you for i know you are drawing your strength and hope from us but it pains me so much to see those tears trickling down your cheeks, thats why sometimes i'm always in a hurry during those talks coz i might break down. You never gave up until we let go of you eventhough you're deteriorating and it pains us so much to see you with all those tubes inserted to you and the ordeal that you undergo with all those needles.. I know u are always a fighter and have been until the end.

During those times when you are still in the hospital a lot of what if's and if only have been flooding my mind, our minds.....If only we can share with your pain so that it will be somewhat easier for you, we would. If only i can offer a part of my life for you, I would gladly do so. I tried to bargain with the Lord for your survival not minding if you will be in a "vegetable state", just to see you living and still be with us would be the greatest miracle i could have ever received and I wouldn't mind devoting my whole life serving you and foregoing my ambitions but eventually i lifted everything up to him..As i told him "Lord thy will be done" but deep inside me it's screaming I wanted my will to be done but who am I to argue with the Lord? For I know that He has a much better plan for you, much, much better...for He holds the master plan...so who am I to question the Lord with whywhywhy which is bombarding my mind.

It's getting harder each day trying to live life without you...i'm longing for you more and more each passing time. I still couldn't believe that you're gone forever but eventhough I couldn't see you and hold u, u still live in my heart and no one can ever replace the place u occupied...my love for you will never cease and it will be that way forever. I'll still continue to live with the dreams and goals that we have shared and the happy memories that we have made together, I know that u still sleep beside me at night thats why I still put ur pillows beside me and it will be always that way (coz u always sleep beside me eversince). I know u are at peace now wherever u are at this very moment coz u never gave us any sign that u are unhappy. I may not yet understand on why God allow this to happen to us but i know deep inside my heart that there will come a time when all these will make sense and we will be enlighten and that will be in God's perfect time. But for nowI know u are happy together with our creator, enjoying perpetual bliss that can never be found here on Earth...

Bukie, I know u will always be around for us and that u are watching over us as we battle on our day to day struggle, sharing together on our happiness and most of all u will be our angel that will forever guide us till our last day in these life. Your love will continue to shine on us from heaven. I love u soo much and don't worry someday we will be able to smile again the way it was before , the pain in our eyes will slowly fade away and the tears that will fall will be tears of joy already and not tears of sorrow anymore but amidst all those u will never be forgotten and I know u want it that way. Time will come that we can move on and slowly we will pick up the pieces of our life that crumbled when u left us but as we move each step at a time, u will be there moving on with us and for every dreams we fulfill and ambitions achieved, it will be all for you..For all the triumphs that will come in our life it will all be for you...specially dedicated for you, my Angel ......Till then.

Love,
Ate

P.S. here's the last song that ur twin Marilou has requested for you...It's ur favorite and we always sing this together when there's videoke at home...

I'll Be Over You
by Toto
Some people live their dreamsSome people close their eyes
Some people's destiny
Passes by
There are no guarantees
There are no alibis
That's how our love must be
Don't ask why
Bridge:
It takes some time
God knows how long I know that I can forget you
As soon as my heart stops breakin'
Anticipating
As soon as forever is through
I'll be over you

Remembering times gone by
Promises we once made
What are the reasons why
Nothing stays the same
Bridge:
There were the nights holding you close
Someday I'll try to forget them
Someday I'll be over you