weeebeee.......

It's good to be back in the blogging world... Oh, i miss u so my dear blog. It's been quite a while. A long, long year. A lot has happened and changed, and life has been quite better. Been to few places, achieve some with regards to my career but not the one that i have waited for so long (i still need to work on it..Double Time!), faced new challenges in life and made decisions that really matters although not everyone was happy, but then that's life, you cannot please everybody but what really matters is that I have my family's support and approval and I am proud to say I don't have any regrets at all. It has been a wise decision after all.

what's normal now...

What's normal now:
seeing my mom crying whenever she is left alone at home
going to the cemetery during sundays after my duty
sleeping in my bed with an empty space beside me
crying whenever i look at my sister's dress in her closet
having to put a brave front when i'm with my mother
learning to smile and put a happy facade fakely
a heart full of hate...hating life itself

When will this agony end???....when can i see the light? the promise of a new dawn? will i ever see it again?

I dreamt of my sister the other night, it was her 4th month death anniversary. Was it her way of visiting me? And now i feel as if a cold wind is enveloping me, eventhough there is no air coming from the electric fan, is it her? Is she embracing me at this very moment and assuring me that everything is alright?

Sometimes I can't understand myself, I always tell to myself, to trust everything to the Lord and never lose faith in Him for He knows what He is doing and this is just one of the trials He has given us to make us a better person, but at the corner of my mind my faith is slowly crumbling, it was shattered to several tiny pieces that I have a hard time picking it all up and I would be a hypocrite if i will say that my faith is still intact after everything that has happened. My foundation of faith was not that really strong, contrary to what I have always believed before. I ask the same questions over and over again to myself....but still I haven't found even one answer to my gazillions of questions. It still doesn't make sense yet. I know it is still too premature but my heart and my mind is restless and tired. My desperation to hold and see my sister again becomes more intense with each passing day .

For now, another day without her feels so empty and senseless. My life now is very different, it took a sudden major twist. My life, my views has changed. I live for the moment now and though I still plan for the future I don't anticipate it with much enthusiasm as it was before... when life was still good. I go wherever the winds of time will take me. "Que sera, sera...whatever will be, will be" as how a famous song line goes. It's useless to dream now...when someone who shares my dreams is not with me to partake with my success. We were halfway to fulfillment when she suddenly left us....how can i go on??? now that I have broken a wing . How can I soar high to reach the peak with a broken wing? I don't know, but deep inside me I know she will always be around to support and guide us to make it through, to be able to continue to fulfill the dreams that we have built. From the start and till the end, she has always been happy and silently proud for all the achievements me and my other sister have made and the same way we are to her.

You will always live on for us my little sister, you may not be given the chance to be a nurse and serve the people here on earth but I know there's a special place for you to practice your profession. Somehow, someday when we meet, we can live for our dreams again but not in these phase of life. I know someday there will be more nights wherein I can sleep without soaking my pillow with tears ..... that special lavender pillow you chose for me last christmas .

thinking of you

Think Of Laura

Every once in a while I'd see her smile
And she'd turn my day around
A girl with those eyes
Could stare through the lies
And see what your heart was saying

Think of Laura but laugh don't cry
I know she'd want it that way
When you think of Laura laugh don't cry
I know she'd want it that way


A friend of a friend
A friend to the end
That's the kind of girl she was
Taken away so young
Taken away without a warning


I know you and you're here
In every day we live
I know her and she's here
I can feel her when I sing


Hey Laura, where are you now
Are you far away from here
I don't think so
I think you're here
Taking our tears away

While listening to the radio suddenly this song was played though i know that song already but this was the first time i heard it since my sister passed away..it was one of our favorites of Christopher Cross songs together with sailing...The lyrics struck me and while humming along the song I can't stop my tears from falling no matter how hard i try to suppress it..It's been a few months but my heart is still bleeding. I am aching deep inside, longing to see her again and cuddle her and do all over the foolish things we used to do but that would be far from possible now..Lord, I need your strength to be able to walk through life again.

butterfly kiss

Have you ever been kissed by a butterfly? I was...just last Saturday . Eversince my sister's death I have been asking for a sign to reassure me that she is happy, and I was given not once but twice. On the first sign i was doubtful and told myself that it was just a pure coincidence , it happened when me and my cousins watched a movie for the first time since my sister's death, it was MI2 since we were not able to start we waited and there were trailers shown and I kept thinking and asking for a sign and that would be to see a butterfly in the trailer or the movie itself and if i'll see it means she is happy. There were several trailers and there wasn't a single butterfly and on the last one...it wasn't even a trailer of a movie or an ad, i don't know what it was but it features lots of butterflies and the camera focused on that one butterfly which has a black color with specks of yellow the color that I have envisioned and I know that was it but i was not fully convinced... not until last saturday while going home from school I saw lots of butterfly but what caught my attention was that one particular butterfly that has a black and specks of yellow color and as I was walking towards its way it was flying and when I was near it flew right b4 me and gave me a peck as if it kissed me on the upper part of my lip, a sign that I have been asking for months .. that a butterfly would land on any part of my face as if it kisses me and the Lord gave it and it happened unexpectedly. Now I am fully convinced that my sister is indeed happy.

Everytime we or her friends dream of her she is always smiling, the same happy disposition she had when she was alive. When her twin dreamed of her for the very first time on the afternoon while she was having a nap and that was her 2nd month death anniversary she let her twin hold her hand and what makes me cry was when they were about to separate, my sister who died cried...I know she is happy to where she is going but at the same is having hard time leaving us for we still can't let her go for we haven't fully accepted her death specially my mother . She haven't visited my mother in her dreams even for just once and i know she has a reason because if she will, mama will miss her even more and maybe that's why she told my sister in her dreams "Lot, c mama ha". She was asking her twin to take care of mama for it was her who told my mother that she will be the one who will take care of her when she grows old and even if she is working outside the country, she will come home just to take care of our mother. That's how much she loves our mother . And in my dream, I was touching her face and I told her that "just be happy, and we will be very happy for you", she smiled . We are still slowly learning the art of letting go, it won't be easy but somehow I know we can do it... for ourselves and for my sister. Time will come that we can let her go but she will never be forgotten, her memory will forever live in our hearts.

for you daddy...

June 18 is a special day to the first man in our life. The man that we look up to and idolize, the man who will stick it up with us no matter how many times we fall and when simply all the man we've loved left us . The one who pushes us to the limit so that in every thing we do we will give it our best shot and he silently watches us from behind with a proud face for all our success. Our source of strength when everything else fails. They are our guide to the road to success and virtue and it's no other than our father, papa, daddy, tatay.

"Happy Father's Day" to my dad and to all the father's out there . Daddy, thank you for everything and for molding me to become who I am today. A big part of our personality was influenced by you like our passion for music, appreciation for good food though i don't like cooking as much as u do which was namana ni Bukie coz she was the best cook among us 3, and for all the other things that are ur trademark which we have inherited. You are one of the biggest influence in my life and although there are times that we don't meet at the same wavelength i'm still thankful for having you in my life, you may not know it coz I was never the expressive type. You will always be the star that shines the brightest among the millions during the dark nights of my life. Despite the grief over my sister' s loss that we are all facing at these tumultuous moments of our lives u still manage to show to us a strong facade though i know deep inside ur heart is breaking, I should know coz I can see it in ur eyes...Someday daddy we will see the sun shining again....much brighter than it was before and everything will be alright.

On the other hand, I received another sad news from a good friend of mine. Her brother is suffering from lymphoma and has to undergo chemotheraphy for months. I just hope and pray that everything will be alright . And to my friend, never lose ur faith in God coz that's the only weapon that will sustain us in our most difficult moments in our life, there is still hope and even if it may seem to be so thin hold on to that. Everything happens for a reason.


School has officially began...yesterday we started our lesson officially which tackles on the needs of human which are biological, psycho-social, spiritual, and cultural needs and during the discussion we have also discussed the nurse's approach towards the patient. A nurse must be efficient enough and must have good interaction with the patients so that the patients will be at ease and thus lessens the fear and pain he/ she is undergoing at the moment and most of all the nurse must handle the patient with utmost care and respect, which is very essential for all nurses because they are dealing with human lives here. The passion and dedication for this work is really needed because being a nurse with deal with different people with different personalities, so the approach varies for each patient. It is in here also that ur patience will be put to a test...but no matter how great the responsibilities and the challenges of being a nurse, I still wanted to be one.

40 Days

Yesterday was the 40th day since my sister's death, we went to the cemetery at 3:00PM to end the novena and after that we went at home where there is a little "salo-salo"and attended the 5:30 mass which is offered for her by our auntie for 9 days.

Last Sunday, when we are about to have our breakfast...my sister saw this huge butterfly with a very nice wings and has a brown color with specks of white at the sides of it's wings in our kitchen, then I told her to touch it and she did and it did not fly...after a few minutes my mother touch and after that it transfer to another place and i touch it this time and it flew after...when we saw the butterfly we were crying for we know that it was my sister visiting us.. A cousin also told us that it was the same butterfly that he usually see in my tito's house since my sister died, and another neighbor said that it was the same butterfly that landed on my tito's arm and stayed there for a while . When we went to mass that afternoon we also saw that same butterfly flying in the church, its as if she is following us. It's got to be her.

I still can't believe up to now that she is gone forever..It's like im still living in a bad dream and I feel like I am floating, going where the tides will take me...It still hurts so much, the wound is still so fresh as the day when she left us ...Whenever i think of her i still get misty eyed... I dread the coming days for I know she will never be here with us again. I don't know how to live life without her anymore . I still cry at night, most specially when i turn to my side and she is not there sleeping with me, sharing bed with me, no one to hug at night and talk till wee hours in the morning. I don't know when this agony will end though I long for the day that we can finally move on but for now it still seems a long road to track and still very far from possibility.

murmurs of the heart
Yesterday marks the 1st month death anniversary of my sister...I couldn't believe how time flies so fast. We went to the cemetery in the afternoon to offer prayers and flowers, the flowers that I had promised her. No more tears this time unlike the previous visit. I'm just happy to be there for I know she is just beside me all the time.

A letter for my dearest sister:

Dear Bukie,

I never expected that we would part that way... so abrupt and very much unexpected, no goodbyes and everything..That fateful day will be forever etched in my memory . I know that you did not expect that to happen also and that you were fighting all the way for us. That sunday afternoon when you suffered a series of cardiac arrest and all the doctors were around you trying to revive while we are just at the window of your icu room peering, crying and helpless...I thought you were going to give up but you still fought. I'll never forget our conversations inside your room coz everytime i go there i still have to muster some courage so that i will not cry when i talk to you for i know you are drawing your strength and hope from us but it pains me so much to see those tears trickling down your cheeks, thats why sometimes i'm always in a hurry during those talks coz i might break down. You never gave up until we let go of you eventhough you're deteriorating and it pains us so much to see you with all those tubes inserted to you and the ordeal that you undergo with all those needles.. I know u are always a fighter and have been until the end.

During those times when you are still in the hospital a lot of what if's and if only have been flooding my mind, our minds.....If only we can share with your pain so that it will be somewhat easier for you, we would. If only i can offer a part of my life for you, I would gladly do so. I tried to bargain with the Lord for your survival not minding if you will be in a "vegetable state", just to see you living and still be with us would be the greatest miracle i could have ever received and I wouldn't mind devoting my whole life serving you and foregoing my ambitions but eventually i lifted everything up to him..As i told him "Lord thy will be done" but deep inside me it's screaming I wanted my will to be done but who am I to argue with the Lord? For I know that He has a much better plan for you, much, much better...for He holds the master plan...so who am I to question the Lord with whywhywhy which is bombarding my mind.

It's getting harder each day trying to live life without you...i'm longing for you more and more each passing time. I still couldn't believe that you're gone forever but eventhough I couldn't see you and hold u, u still live in my heart and no one can ever replace the place u occupied...my love for you will never cease and it will be that way forever. I'll still continue to live with the dreams and goals that we have shared and the happy memories that we have made together, I know that u still sleep beside me at night thats why I still put ur pillows beside me and it will be always that way (coz u always sleep beside me eversince). I know u are at peace now wherever u are at this very moment coz u never gave us any sign that u are unhappy. I may not yet understand on why God allow this to happen to us but i know deep inside my heart that there will come a time when all these will make sense and we will be enlighten and that will be in God's perfect time. But for nowI know u are happy together with our creator, enjoying perpetual bliss that can never be found here on Earth...

Bukie, I know u will always be around for us and that u are watching over us as we battle on our day to day struggle, sharing together on our happiness and most of all u will be our angel that will forever guide us till our last day in these life. Your love will continue to shine on us from heaven. I love u soo much and don't worry someday we will be able to smile again the way it was before , the pain in our eyes will slowly fade away and the tears that will fall will be tears of joy already and not tears of sorrow anymore but amidst all those u will never be forgotten and I know u want it that way. Time will come that we can move on and slowly we will pick up the pieces of our life that crumbled when u left us but as we move each step at a time, u will be there moving on with us and for every dreams we fulfill and ambitions achieved, it will be all for you..For all the triumphs that will come in our life it will all be for you...specially dedicated for you, my Angel ......Till then.

Love,
Ate

P.S. here's the last song that ur twin Marilou has requested for you...It's ur favorite and we always sing this together when there's videoke at home...

I'll Be Over You
by Toto
Some people live their dreamsSome people close their eyes
Some people's destiny
Passes by
There are no guarantees
There are no alibis
That's how our love must be
Don't ask why
Bridge:
It takes some time
God knows how long I know that I can forget you
As soon as my heart stops breakin'
Anticipating
As soon as forever is through
I'll be over you

Remembering times gone by
Promises we once made
What are the reasons why
Nothing stays the same
Bridge:
There were the nights holding you close
Someday I'll try to forget them
Someday I'll be over you